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Upside down smile

So as the gloom sets in as we approach yet another motherless mothers day, I find myself creating a nice big deep dark hole to sit in. Everything seems pointless and hopeless. All life outside this thought doesn't seem to exist, there are good things going on at the moment yet they seem out of reach from the depths of this dank dingy place.

I would have thought anniversary dates such as this would have slightly eased over the passed 5 years, however it still hurts not having mum around. I wish she were here for many reasons, I'd love for her to have met Ria, she would absolutely love her. Also with the announcement of a new child on its way, it would be realy helpful if I had mums shoulder to lean on momentarily for advise or at the least a hug and a little reassurance that everything will be fine.

It gets hard to always be the strong one, sometimes I need to fall apart but there is never time to do so, I'm busy doing everything I can to show Ria I am here for her and suport her the very best I can. The poor girl feels so sick at times, and seems to be drained of all energy and is always sleepy. I just want her to feel relaxed and stress free as much as possible.

I'm proud of Ria, she is doing real well xo.

Oh well, my Emotions will soon lift I'm sure, i need to find some time to unwind. Painting is a great way to clear my mind, but I know Ria doesn't really like me going out at night, so I try not to want to do that to often.

This is all for now..

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I feel so alone. I'm trapped in my head and it's not a happy place right now!!

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Thursday means something something

5am starts to go to the gym, followed by a day of high caffeine energy drinks. I have to say I've been more then bored lately, it seems quieter at work then usual, and I just can't be bothered trying to find things to keep me busy. The topic of conversation with others is dull and pointless, and the thing I look forward to most is lunch time so I can enjoy 30 minutes of interrupted time with Ria.

I get to 1:30 each day and hit a big brick wall, time stops or even goes backwards a little, and everything seems too hard. My desk is facing a wall. So I can either stare blankly at the computer and pretend to be busy or I can distance my vision and stare at the wall. Yay for me!

Occasionally I go for a lap or two around the depot in hope to find something to do, or at the least by time I get back to my desk there might be an interesting email there to read.


Is this what I'm destined to be? Surely there's more!?

Time for another caffeine hit.

And I could do with a neck massage I'm in some bad pain!!


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Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid!!

Losing the fight in me! Must everything be so dam hard! Hope things pick up, not sure how to get through each day anymore. Trying to remain positive but feel so low!!

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Finding Zen again

I am not too sure how much longer I can continue living like this, we are making some good money but every week we are cutting something back to pay something else.
All that is going through my head is finances, it's stressing me out and bringing me down. I want to become my peaceful easy going self that I was but it's hard with the burden of powerful thoughts like this are happening every single day.

We come to pay day, pay our bills get some small amounts of groceries then it starts again. Taking about what our next pay is going on. It's driving me insane.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate everything we have and it has to be discussed also having money to actually pay the bill when it arrives is good, we have a nice car, live in a nice home, and we do eat. However when it comes to weekend we can't go any where or do anything because everything costs money, if it doesn't cost money for the activity then it costs in fuel. I am constantly watching the fuel gauge and trying to guess if we are going to have enough to get through to the next pay.

Ria and I have so much fun together and things couldn't be better and I know money isn't important, but I feel good when I can take her somewhere, do something, go socialize with others or just spending time alone. (which is a favorite of mine)

I am so frustrated right now I just don't know if I am even making sense. Then again who cares, I need to expel these thoughts that are circling my head.

I can see that I could coming across to be uninterested in something or depressed but that's not the case, I just can't seem to shake this constant thought!!!

Am I going crazy or just insane?

All I know is this can't keep going on like this, I have to find peace within myself again.


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Pinky Promised Questions
1. First thing you wash in the shower? my face

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? grey.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes

4. Do you plan outfits? not exactly. I do match sneakers a little bit though

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? just fine

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red? Ria's flatcat money box

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having. it was similar to the movie - tomorrow when the war began.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? No

9. What are you craving right now? coopers pale ale

10. Do you floss? sometimes.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? smelly farts

12. Are you emotional? depends on the situation

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? $100 notes at a time.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? A bit of both

15. Do you like your hair? Yes

16. Do you like yourself? Sometimes

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Sure why not

18. What are you listening to right now? undercover boss.

19. Are your parents strict? N/A

20. Would you go sky diving? Hell YES!!!!!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? i do

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? I am not sure.

23. Do you rent movies often? We obtain movies via quickfilx -

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? My diamond studs

25. How many countries have you visited? N/A

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Yeah

27. Ever been on a train? Yeah.

28. Brown or white eggs? white free range eggs - have to be free range

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yes.

30. Do you use chap stick? No.

31. Do you own a gun? No

32. Can you use chopsticks? yep

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? my beautiful girlfriend - I wouldn't have it any other way

34. Are you too forgiving? depends on the situation

35. Ever been in love? Yes.

36. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Working.

37. Ever have cream puffs? yes, totally amazing

38. Last time you cried? Sunday, i had a family reunion.

39. What was the last question you asked? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO ANSWER 65 QUESTIONS?

40. Favorite time of the year? Winter.

41. Do you have any tattoos? yes

42. Are you sarcastic? Yes.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes.

44. Ever walked into a wall? well it was a pay phone booth

45. Favorite color? grey

46. Have you ever slapped someone? not quite

47. Is your hair curly? if it was longer

48. What was the last CD you bought? A Perfect Circle - 13th Step

49. Do looks matter? to some extent.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Forgive but not forget

51. Is your phone bill sky high? nope, got a great cap, i don't ever get any where close to reaching

52. Do you like your life right now? Yes,

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No.

54. Can you handle the truth? yes.

55. Do you have good vision? I think so, I do require glasses when reading.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes. I have some major dislike people I know of.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Daily.

58. The last person you held hands with? Ria

59. What are you wearing? Peter Alexander Pj pants - White Nike T shirt

60. What is your favorite animal?  Sloths are pretty cool. However our Cats and Dog are cool too

61. Where was your profile picture taken? N/A

62. Can you hula hoop?Haven't for years but don't doubt my capabilities

63. Do you have a job? Yes.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? A can of Coke 

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? many of times


Passing thoughts of worthlessness, hopeless and self pity.

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Lost in self thoughts

I seem to be standing back observing all around me, taking it in yet with nothing to contribute. Trapped in what seems to be a parallel state of mind.
What is this? Whats on my mind? Why have I nothing to be say? This isn't me at all.
I have been thinking maybe it's the whole Xmas thing? Maybe it's because it's the time of year when families come together to celebrate and enjoy each others time, talking, eating, drinking, laughing etc etc. I am not exactly too familiar with this whole concept. Not only is it the lacking of a family of my own, as they have decided that they no longer want anything to do with me since mum passed away. It also comes down to when they were a part of my life we never had a gathering that didn't end up in full on arguments amongst all.

Now there isn't all doom and gloom in this story, I have managed to meet the most amazing, awesome girl and her family are more then great and actually seem to like me.
It's my first Xmas with Ria and her family and look forward to many more. It makes me slightly nervous go be around a family atmosphere again. I'm worried I might still be self contained and come across rude, or seem like I am not having fun. When the truth is I just don't know what to expect, what they might expect from me its sounding like there is a great day in store, great people and the beginning of good memories.

I am so in crazy about Ria. I never thought my life could be so enjoyable.
Since I met her things continue to improve and everything is good.

So why am I siting here, trapped in my own head observing the world as if it's just a film?????

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